Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”