My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy