All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.