Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.