Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
You Might Also Like
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Happy Taco Tuesday
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.