if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I’m listening
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.