Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
See..?
.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I unironically love this joke.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”