Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Just me and my debit card against the world
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.