Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.