Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
You Might Also Like
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
WHY?!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too