*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Muppet Screams
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle