Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’m calling the cops.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.