To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Ugh but profoundly
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Fries, not lies.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.