one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.