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ME: finally a program for me
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.