Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser