Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
this came to me in a vision
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
nature’s most graceful animal
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!