Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
BaD BoY!!
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming