Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
this is the news I live for
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.