7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.