Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌