Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Important reminders