Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.