HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.