If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.