Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
best first i’ve ever seen
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand