This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”