Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
can you read it!!??
maan!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*