If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT