Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
You Might Also Like
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Is….Is this an option?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*