Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
It鈥檚 only a tidal wave when it鈥檚 headed toward you, if it鈥檚 headed away that鈥檚 a toodle wave.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we鈥檙e landing in a volcano
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn鈥檛 a cookbook
me: yeah I鈥檓 a writer I鈥檝e been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don鈥檛 know. I don鈥檛 like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 馃檹
Pikachu found the lost joint
This day in history. 1881. A man in Gro脽liebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you鈥檒l hint for a Rolex all year & she鈥檒l turn up with a jar that鈥檚 filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I switched all the labels on my wife鈥檚 spice rack.
I鈥檓 not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”