[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache