Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.