I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
no cat here
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I hope they boil the right one.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to