“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
#parenting
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.