Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star