*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
You Might Also Like
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
our love story in four pictures
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
White Castle for the Win
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.