Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm