So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
best first i’ve ever seen
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now