*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
What a website
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.