me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
i baked you a cake
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Most fashion shows these days…
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.