I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Good news
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
sry
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
You sure about that?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.