Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book