My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
What
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.