Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
This hospital has everything
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.