I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day