I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I am all good here, 😂😉
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
The sacred texts.