Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.