“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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They’re stuck in your pants?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.