Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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Smile they said.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.